"Love Lies Bleeding in My Hand"

So you know what? The idea of a boyfriend pisses me off a tad.
I mean seriously.
R2 has an ex she has not gotten over since forever, and even though he's made it quite clear that they're O-V-U-R (I refer of course, to Kath and Kim), she will not and is physically incapable of not talking about him.
R3 is going out with someone in her class. And they just started going out yesterday so she will not and is physically incapable of not being able to grin and hop and skip and re-enact scenes. It's dinner AND a show.
R4 is single. But she doesn't care. (No, I do not refer to myself as R4, R4 is an actual another person.)
R5 is practically married and R5 spends all her time on telecommunication devices. (This isn't me either, she's another person also.)

Me?
I'm a cynical bastard who is physically incapable of sneering at all romantic stereotypes.
I've never had an ex so I do not know what it's like to be hung up on someone, and frankly, I think I'm kind of over the waiting-and-wishing-for-Johnny-Depp-to-wake-up-and-notice me thing.
I'm not going out with someone in my class. Even if I had a lobotomy, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest style, I would not consider going out with any of those horny bastards. They're just too much fun to actually care about.
I am not single either, neither am I practically married. Rather, I am both, but then again, you know what? I'm neither also.
So that brings us down to the singular realisation that I, R1, am a cynical bastard.
I scoff at stories of roses delivered across seven seas.
I do not melt at songs that typically make a group pair up and sigh and dance.
But, but, but, don't label me heartless just yet, you know what, I do have a heart. (I'm going to not refer to anything for a while here).
I DO have a heart. I do *clap* I do.
The kind that makes me want to stalk Gary Lightbody.
The kind that makes me spend nothing on myself for two months so I can spend 800/- on Indiapost.
You know that thing that sometimes aches (only when I have a cold, but then I guess it's the phlegm and not the heart, but I'm not erasing this because it makes me poetic) and reminds me that I'm human. You know, because sometimes parents will not understand, and you just want a best friend you can kiss.
And this THING, this stupid black stone heart, it reminds me that one day I'm going to die.

Tell me you'll remember me.
Tell me you thought I was the awesomest person you ever knew. And I'll wave a little fire spark your way from Hell, which is where I'll be.